Like anything, our emotions need to express themselves. If we shut them down, ignore them, berate them, or numb them they will get up to some serious mischief in the background. Insisting on being heard they will come crashing through the back door much larger and scarier than the first time around.
“…what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” Carl Jung
It changed my life when I discovered how to be with and work with my thoughts and emotions.
I am someone who feels deeply and those feelings can be intense. Dark depressions and heart bursting joys. I spent over 20 years medicating myself, both prescriptive and non prescriptive, to “get rid of” the “bad” feelings. It didn’t work.
In fact, everything plateaued out to the point where I was in a trance like state, just going through the motions of life. My innate Jo -full Joy and wonder disappeared. I felt no drive or sense of purpose. I was just “Doing” life. At other times, when on a self prescribed momentary high I would often make unwise and harmful decisions. A lot of people thought I was the life and soul of the party back then. And I probably was. But I was also waking up, often in a sparkly dress, with a hangover every day which I got so used to I thought that’s just how one feels when they wake up in the morning. On top of that, I had a constant low vibrational buzz of ennui, dullness, and a lack of vitality.
I had completely disempowered myself and was just getting tossed and turned on the waves of life. I was actually a seemingly functional member of society throughout those years, achieving many things and still having good times but my inner world was not in good health. This escalated in my late 30’s and early 40’s.
I reached a point where, as Anne Lamott describes with her witty but true words, “I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards.”
I am not here to demonise medication or pathological ways of approaching mental distress. Medicine can be life saving for some people and some illnesses. This is just my personal experience.
So I made some big changes. It has taken courage, determination, and continual awareness. It’s an ongoing and daily practice. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I came off the medication slowly, I cut back on my drinking so that I no longer needed it or wanted it. I started taking care of my mind, body, and soul. I had thought I was looking after my health in those years, I still did many healthy things after all, but I realised there were a lot of areas for great improvement. I started doing more reading and researching and studying and writing. I spent more time in healing solitude. I had meditated when I was at university and I brought this back into my life. I found a wonderful coach, therapist, and mentor to support me at times when I felt I needed that extra guidance. I created a treasure chest of my own medicine. My daily dose.
Life will always throw us curveballs. But there are some things we can take control of and we have so many inner resources to help us through these times.
There is something incredibly empowering about digging deep and seeing what you are capable of.
“If you do not go within, you go without.” Neale Donald Walsch
So, what about those overwhelming emotions from the beginning of my story here?
How about sending Miss Fear or Mrs Depression or Mr Anxiety an invite to afternoon tea? I know, it’s scary as hell. And besides, you have so little time, if you do socialise you want to just hang out with your nice friends. I get it but trust me, it will be worth it. It’s not like you need to give them a 10 course banquet, although some may well require this extra nourishment and in that case, you will need to buy in extra food and allow the time for this. Generally though, a nice cuppa and a listening ear will give them their moment. They can actually turn into the most enlightening of guests. They may make you cry – that’s ok. You may even find they have a dry and witty sense of humour. You may laugh hysterically and cry oceans of tears at the same time to the point you think you are going crazy. It always reassures me to remember Charles Bukowski’s quote:
“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.”
And then suddenly, those emotions, they get up, even washing and putting away their tea cup, before gently closing the front door behind them. And everything will be quiet and still. And you will feel the deepest sense of peace you have ever known.
The Mr and Mrs Difficult Emotions will always send you a thank you note and a gift afterwards.
And they will always try and pop around again of course, because your Swedish chocolate chip cookies are just so damn good. But they will come as old friends and will leave rather quickly after being allowed to express themselves. You will wave goodbye and send them your love and care and they will toddle off licking the chocolate from their lips.
Their gift will be you witnessing your emotions alchemise. It’s magic. It’s science. It’s the only way I can live now.
Let me know if you would like to have a look at that treasure chest of tools together.
With love,
Jo xx